It’s weird today I was walking home and I had an okay day so I thought to myself ‘maybe I’m actually at peace’. I thought about texting a past love apologising for mistakes that had happened and wishing them the best with everything in the future. I thought to myself ‘could I actually be happy?’. Then I came home and Dad had opened something that I had left untouched from this past love. To be honest I had forgotten I hadn’t opened it but after seeing it I literally felt like someone had ripped my heart from my chest. I haven’t stopped crying since. I mean I’ve always been attached to things of sentiment but even this feels full on for me. It is almost as if it was the last thing that symbolised us and now the idea of us is truly being taken away.. The last material item I had that remained untouched and unharmed despite all of the pain of the past year. I sit on my bed and all I can think is ‘I don’t want to be here. How did I even think for a second that I was okay?’. I’m looking in the mirror and I look exhausted. The bags under my eyes are black because I can’t sleep. I need you to know now though this isn’t just over a boy. I don’t want to kill myself over a boy. And that’s what scares me because while this breakdown now may have started over that it’s when I continue thinking about everything that I realise my god I am unhappy with everything. I don’t even know what to do. Over the past year I have made some changes but there’s some feelings that just seem to never go away. I don’t want sympathy, I don’t want anyone to attack me.. This post is purely to write what I can’t say out loud but this honestly is getting really fucking hard. It’s not that I don’t have good friends but old friends have put up with so much already and new friends think I’m just fun and carefree. I don’t want to be a burden. Plus there’s so much stigma around mental health. People label me crazy and emotional and I don’t even know what to say. How am I meant to laugh that off then pick up the phone on a night like this and say 'hey by the way I feel like I want to die’. Dramatic? Attention seeking? Annoying? I’m sure it’d be seen one way or another. I actually feel upset to the point I feel sick and like I need to throw up. I don’t really have much else to say as again this was just a method for releasing my thoughts to hopefully a non judgmental place.. But if anyone happens to read this and ever feels down please feel free to talk to me anonymously or as you because I wouldn’t wish these feelings of sadness or anxiety on anyone x